How to ask for consent

Why ask for consent?

Asking consent means asking for permission. For example, if you want to touch someone, have sex with someone or kiss. Also during sex, it is important to check if your sex partner still wants to. And after sex, check whether they still feel good about it. That way, you know that the sex was a good experience for the other person.

Consent is something you do together. So it's not only important that you ask consent from your sex partners, but also that you yourself can indicate what you do and do not want.

Read how to give and withdraw consent here.

How to ask for consent

Asking for consent is not difficult. If you want to do something, you can simply ask the other person if you may do it.

Questions you can ask the other person:   

Before: "do you feel like...", "what do you find horny?", "are you into [...]"  
During: "would you like me to suck you?", "does this feel good?", "do you like it when I do [...]?"  
After: "how do you feel?", "what did you find hottest?", "I liked it, did you?".

A 'yes' can always turn into a 'no'. So keep paying attention and tuning in, because desires and boundaries can change!  You can do this by asking and talking, but also by paying attention to the other person's body language.  

If you are already comfortable together, you really don't need to ask permission for every touch. If you pay attention to your partner's body language, you can also tell if they still like it. In doubt? Then ask for permission in words anyway. That way, you can be sure you are not overstepping someone's boundaries.

Trying something new together

You don't always know in advance what you like. Sometimes something seems really tasty, until you do it. And sometimes something you're unsure about turns out to be very horny. Sex doesn't have to be perfect all the time, so if you want to try something new, keep in mind that it might disappoint. That's no big deal. If, while trying it out, your sex partner doesn't want to anyway, stop. That doesn't mean the sex has to stop right away either, but rather that one act.  

How do you know if your sex partner is consenting?

There may be situations in which the other person has said yes, but you should sense that the other person does not want to anyway. You can notice this by:

• Body language (see below)
• The other person cannot think clearly, for example because of drink or drugs
• The other person feels forced to say yes, for example because you have offered a place to sleep, or because you have power over someone's career
• The other person only said 'yes' after insisting for a long time

Body language

Always pay attention to the signals the other person gives you, without saying anything. Many people (around 70 per cent) 'freeze up' when something they don't like happens during sex. At such a moment, a person is unable to say 'no' or 'stop'. Watching body language is not only important to make sure you have consent, it is also exciting to see your sex partner enjoying what you do.

Yes-signals in the other person:  

The other person...  

• makes eye contact  
• turns their body towards you  
• touches you by themselves  
• says something indicating they want to make contact  
• reacts enthusiastically  
• flirts (back)  
• shows he likes you and wants to be with you  
• kisses (back)  
• pays attention to you  

No-signals in the other person:

The other person...  

• freezes (doen't move)
• does not make eye contact 
• turns their body away from you  
• keeps his/her distance from you  
• says something indicating they want to stop the conversation  
• looks for an excuse to get away  
• shows no interest  
• does not kiss back  
• hardly reacts during sex (lets it happen)  
• says he does not feel comfortable  

Dealing with a ‘no’

You ask permission to get a 'yes', but of course the other person can also say 'no'. How do you deal with that? If your partner says they don't want to have sex with you, don't insist. If the other person agrees only after much nagging, that is not sex with consent.

Does your partner say 'no' to a certain act, or do you notice he doesn't like something? Then stop what you are doing. And ask the other person what they would rather do. Sometimes it can feel annoying to have to stop what you are doing. Then take a break together, to get out of that feeling. You can continue after that, if necessary. Before continuing, discuss with each other what you both like. Note: 'a deal is a deal' doesn't count here! You can both decide at any time that you don't want something after all.

Consent: only when sober

If the other person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, by law they cannot give consent. Under the influence of alcohol or drugs, it is often more difficult to read body language and set boundaries. Therefore, pay extra attention to consent and ask more often if the other person (still) likes it. This is not only about sex, but also about drugs. Don't force drugs on the other person, let them choose what they want to use. Not everyone has the same experience with drugs.

Also read: tips for consent during chemsex

According to the new law, a person can give consent only when sober. Are you planning to use substances, such as chems/drugs or alcohol? Discuss in advance, for example through a conversation in chat, what you want to do and what you don't want to do. Check this again when you see each other in real life.  Above all, say what you do like, to keep the conversation positive. A whole list of negative things can be a turn-off for the other person. Also listen carefully to what the other person wants and keep asking questions if you don't understand something. 

 Telling in advance what you do and don't want to do can be useful. Then, if someone does do something you don't want, you can say that you had already indicated that you don't like it. 

 When you've taken drugs, it is sometimes difficult to tell what the other person does or does not want. Physical hints, for example, are more easily missed. It is therefore important to be extra clear in such situations. For example, you can tell how you feel and what you want by saying it clearly and directly.  

Ask for consent online

When you're online, consent is important too. For example, before you meet, you can talk about what you want to do and what not.

• Don't just send naked photos. For example, ask "may I send you my photos", or "shall we swap pics"
• Forwarding someone else's nude photos or videos without their permission is against the law. So don't!
• Want to know how it's done on dating apps? Read How to date online

Asking for consent while going out

While going out, body language is important, especially if you can't hear each other very well. In places like a gay sauna or a sex party, there is often not much talking either. Tips to check for consent:

• Make sure you have eye contact with someone before you approach them
• Show that you are interested by, for example, making small talk and touching each other a little. Do not immediately grab each other's crotch, a hand on an arm is also obvious
• Have you already started a sexual act and does the other person react dismissively, for example by pushing your hand away? Then don't insist any more. This is never ok, even in a darkroom.
• Have you had the first contact and do you want to go further, for example by kissing? Ask "can I kiss you?". You can also ask permission for a kiss or touch without words. Then pay close attention to the other person's body language and don't insist.