How to give or refuse consent

Why give consent?

To give consent means to give permission. For example, if someone wants to touch you, have sex with you or kiss you. Even during sex, it is important to check with yourself whether you still want to. And after sex, think about whether you still feel good about it. This way, you ensure that sex is a good experience for both of you.

Consent is something you do together. So it is not only important that you give consent to your sex partners, but also that you ask for their consent.

Read how to ask for consent

How do you give consent?

If all goes well, your sex partner asks you for consent. Then you can say 'yes'. It helps if you do so in no uncertain terms, so your partner knows where they stand. Don't want something? Then you say 'no'. If you do fancy something else, you can suggest it. This way, you indicate your own boundaries and ask permission from the other person for what you want to do.

What you can say to give your consent

Before: "I'd like to do ... with you, are you ok with that?"

During: "go on", "this is nice", "yes"

After: "I liked it", "we should do this again"

What you can say to indicate your boundaries

Beforehand: "No I don't want to", "I want to have sex with you, but I don't like...", "I want to try this with you, but I'm not sure I'll like it", "I'd like to use condoms"

During: "Sorry I don't like this", "Stop, this position doesn't feel nice", "I want to stop", "I don't like this, do you feel like doing ...?". Notice that you don't like something, but you still can't manage to shout "stop" right away? Then ask your sex partner to pause for a moment. This will give you time to sort out your thoughts.

Afterwards: "I liked the sex, but I didn't feel so comfortable with...", "I got a bit scared of myself during sex", "I'd rather not do this again"

Body language

You don't always have to give consent with words. Sometimes your body language says enough. Just be aware that not everyone understands body language equally well. If someone doesn't respond to what you indicate, say clearly what you (don't) want.

What do you want for yourself?

Consent is not just guarding your boundaries, but also discovering what you do want. Sometimes you are not yet sure what you want. Pay attention to these signals in yourself:

Yes-signals in yourself:  

• Do you like being with the other person at this moment?  
• Do you want to accept the other person's proposal?  
• Are you comfortable with the situation?  
• Would you like to touch the other person?  
• Do you feel a little tense and nervous, but is this a nice feeling?  

No-signals in yourself:  

• You don't like being with the other person at the moment (and may be looking for an 'excuse' or reason to leave)  
• You feel you don't want to respond to suggestions from the other person  
• You would rather leave the situation  
• You would rather not touch the other person  
• You feel tense and nervous, and not in a pleasant way  

Trying something new together

You don't always know in advance what you like. Sometimes something seems really hot, until you do it. And sometimes something you're unsure about turns out to be very horny. Sex doesn't have to be perfect all the time, so if you want to try something new, keep in mind that it might disappoint. That's not a bad thing. If, while trying it out, you still don't like it, stop. That doesn't mean the sex has to stop right away either, but just that one act.  

Consent: alleen als je nuchter bent  

If you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, by law you cannot consent to sex. Under the influence, you are less able to pick up signals from yourself and your sex partner, and are more likely to overstep your own (and the other person's) boundaries.

Make clear agreements about what you will and won't do, don't take drugs if you don't know what it is or what it does. Since it is also harder for your sex partner to read your body language, it is better to use words to indicate your boundaries.

Don't feel good about having sex under the influence afterwards? Talk about it, preferably with the person you had sex with. Maybe it was not his attention to hurt you, and talking about it can be relieving.  Have you been raped? Then go to the police or call the Sexual Assault Center.

Give consent online

When you are online, consent is also important. For instance, before you meet, you can talk about what you would and would not like to do.

• Let the other person know what you would and would not like to do. Above all, say what you do feel like doing
• If you have said online that you want to do a certain sexual act, you are not obliged to actually do it. You can always withdraw consent
• You may have good reasons for wanting to protect your identity. Be aware that it may feel unsafe for the other person if you do not send photos of your face, for example. Think about when you feel safe to share your identity. You can then let the other person know. 
• Is someone bothering you online? Take screenshots and block them
• Unfortunately, criminal behaviour sometimes occurs online. Read what you can do about it here.
  Want to know more? Read How to date online

Consenting while going out

While going out, body language is important, especially if you can't hear each other very well. In places like a gay sauna or a sex party, there is often not much talking either. Tips for giving consent:

• Make sure you have eye contact. With eye contact and a friendly nod, you can indicate that the other person may approach you
• Show that you are interested. For example, by making small talk and touching each other slightly. Do not immediately grab each other's crotch; a hand on an arm is also clear
• Does someone touch you and you don't want them to? Then push the hand away. If all goes well, the other person will then no longer insist. No is no' also applies in a darkroom
• Have you had the first contact and want to go further, for example by kissing? Ask "can I kiss you". You can also give permission for a kiss or touch without words. Then pay close attention to the other person's body language and don't insist
• Is someone bothering you? Report it to security!