Jayden* (24) uses a wheelchair and doesn't think in limitations

24-year old Jayden lives on his own since three years, in a 'focus home' in Amersfoort. "It is a fully independant home, but through an intercom I am connected to care in the neighbourhood. If necessary, within 15 minutes someone is at my doorstep." Jayden has cerebrale palsy, and that means that his muscles are spastic and under constant tension. "I call myself a wheelchair user. I am not wheelchair dependent, that sounds so weird."

One and a half years ago Jayden found out he is into men, and what happend next was an important changing point in his life and sex life. He had masturbated before, but wasn't sexually active with other people. Until he got into a conversation with someone from Sense, the youth consultation hour at the GGD where you can ask all your questions about sex. "The part of accepting my handicap was a challange and sometimes still is. Back then, I saw my handicap as a restriction on outing my sexuality. Through pornography you do get a 'norm image' in your head, and I did never comply simply because I can't stand. I struggled with it a fair bit. Through the conversations with Sense I decided, upon advise, to hire an escort. I did it with the thought that he is someone who is sexually more practiced."

“I am pontifically with my wheelchair on my grindr-profile”

"I looked for someone on an escort site myself, to hire a guy I could invite. After having gathered a lot of courage, I approached someone, and that went well above expectiations. I told him three times I use a wheelchair, because I was very insecure about that. Then I received a voice message from him: 'I think you're making this a bigger problem than I am.' I realised then that I, no matter my disability, could have just as much fun in sex as someone without a disability. I am just a young guy who wants sex. The escort really made for that eye opener. I want to make a case for people in the escort world; it can help people tremendously. Do not be afraid to approach an escort."

Half a year ago Jayden took another big step: downloading Grindr. "That is also working astonishingly well for me. I am pontificially with my wheelchair on my profile and I do that consciously. I do not want any surprises when someone would be at my doorstep and leaves again. I always use the opening line: I have two joysticks to play with. I like a bit of self-mockery and humour to break the ice."

Humour doesn't lack in Jayden's life. While laughing he tells about a recent meet-up. "I recently had a date with a guy and I was still in my wheelchair. He was giving me a blowjob and at the peak my arm got spastic and hit the joystick of my wheelchair - which was still switched on - and I totally ran him over. He layed there on the floor. It was a wise lesson: switch off the wheelchair or have sex out of the chair."

Enjoying relaxed sex is important for Jayden, and that goes well for him. "I still haven't tried everything fully, but I enjoy receiving and giving blowjobs and rimming a lot. I can enjoy everything, but it takes a little more time. Because my muscles are under constant tention, relaxation is very important. A quicky is not possible for me. When you're talking about anal sex, relaxation of the sphincter muscle is very important. I like to do a chill drink on the couch, talking a bit, and then do our thing relaxed. That is for me the most enjoyable."

“People usually think it doesn't work 'down there'”

About sexual health Jayden knows exactly what he wants and needs. "For anal sex I always use condoms, for oral sex not. I use PrEP daily and if I know the other person also uses PrEP, I prefer to leave our rubber friends where they are; actually I really hate them. I get tested every three months and sometimes in between for my own peace of mind. I also have gotten the whole pallet of vaccinations. Hapatitis A, B, mpox and HPV."

There are quite a lot of prejustices when it comes to wheelchair users and sex. "People usually think it doesn't work 'down there', or that I am not physically able to move at all. Certain positions are a bit harder and less rhythmic, but except for the fact that it is difficult for me to stand and I can't rip someone apart and throw across the room, a lot still is possible."

For everyone who doesn't use a wheelchair, Jayden has a clear message. "Just ask questions. I always have the feeling that people live with certain misconceptions and don't dare to ask questions, but just ask it."
Finally a friendly though urgent request for all places of nightlife. "I regularly attend festivals and try to go to the bar, but that is often a challenge. The queer nightlife centres mainly in Amsterdam, but the cosy buildings in the Reguliersdwarsstraat are not calculated on an electric wheelchair. I hope places like clubs, bars and saunas will change in the field of wheelchair accessilbility. Those are the spots to get to know new people, and they are not properly wheelchair accessible. 

* For privacy consideration the name Jayden is fictious. 

Editor's note

Men to Men regularly interviews men about how they protect themselves against HIV and STIs as well as their experiences with sex. We believe it is important for people to be well-informed and are able to make informed decisions on how to protect themselves. We hope that the variety of personal stories of people’s experiences help them with this. They do not necessarily reflect Men to Men’s standpoint.

Would you like to share what steps you take to protect yourself against HIV and/or STIs?
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Because Jayden would like to stay anonymous, we used a stockphoto with this story.
Dutch text: Matthijs van Els
Stockphoto: 123rf.com

This story was published first in Dutch on Winq.nl.