Talking about sex and STDs

Why should you talk about sex?

Discussing together what you like during sex:

• Prevents you from doing things you actually don’t want
• Helps you enjoy the sex
• Prevents you from getting STDs

How can you talk to each other about sex?

Discussing your likes and dislikes can be complicated. It may be a difficult topic for you. Or you just don’t know when you should have the conversation. These tips will help you out with that:

Discuss what you like before having sex

Talking about sex from a distance can feel easier than at a bar or in the bedroom. For example, on a dating site, you can write in your profile what you’re looking for and what you (don’t) want. This way, you can explain clearly what your wishes and boundaries are.

Talk about condoms before having sex

Do you want to use a condom? Say it before starting to have sex. This will often make it easier to grab one while you’re having sex.

Do not make any promises

Talk about what you would like to do, but don’t make any promises. Sex can often turn out different than what you expected. You might say you want to do something, and then notice you don’t like it when it happens.

Say what you do like

It’s often easier to say what you do like rather than what you don’t like. For example: ‘I prefer to blow you’, instead of: ‘I don’t want you to fuck me’.

Do you have doubts? Then don’t do it

Do you have doubts about sex or something your date wants to do? Then don’t do it. Express your limits and boundaries. Your date should respect them. And he shouldn't keep going if you ask him to stop.

If you prefer not to talk about sex

You don’t need to discuss everything about sex beforehand if you don’t want to. There are also other ways you can communicate what you want and what you don’t want to do. For example:

• By guiding someone in a certain direction
• By keeping condoms and lube close. So your partner will also see them.

Does your partner not understand you? Then say what you want. Is he not listening to you? Then you can always stop having sex. This way you will avoid a bad experience.

Talk about the sex even if it wasn’t good

Sometimes sex doesn’t go the way you want. Even in these cases, it can be nice to discuss it afterwards with your sexual partner. With a conversation:

• You can still get a nice feeling from the sex
• Maybe next time will be better

If there was violence or sex against your will

Sometimes you can’t or don’t want to talk to the person you had sex with. Maybe he did things you didn’t want, he hurt you, or didn’t listen to you.

Did you have a bad sexual experience?

Read more about sexual violence

Talking about HIV, PrEP and condoms

Do you want to protect yourself against HIV? There are two ways to do it:

• Having sex with a condom 
• Taking PrEP. This is medication that protects you from getting HIV

Maybe someone told you they just got an STD test, or that they use PrEP. So they say extra protection is not necessary. Decide for yourself if you want to use a condom or PrEP. 

Does your sexual partner have HIV? And does he take medication? If so, he cannot pass on HIV to you through sex. Maybe you want to feel even more safe by taking PrEP or using a condom. 

Discuss this with each other before having sex. Choose what makes you feel safe. You can never be sure that what you’re told is true. Do you use a condom or PrEP? Then your health won’t depend on anyone but you.

Talking about sex, drugs, and alcohol

If you use alcohol or drugs during sex, it’s easier to go past your limits. Try to avoid unpleasant experiences. Use substances only if you feel good. And talk to your partner about what you want to do during sex.

More about sex with drugs or alcohol