Sebastiaan (21) learned to better communicate his wishes and boundaries

'I used to have more trouble letting people know what I did and didn’t like.'

It is getting easier for Sebastiaan (21) to say what he does and does not want, also with regards to safe sex. “When I got to my date’s place, I found out he had gonorrhea. And he thought I still wanted to sleep with him!”

“I know that it is probably smarter to meet in public for a first date if it’s via a dating app. But in reality it usually never goes that way and I just go to their place. Now I send my friends my live location in our WhatsApp group so that they can keep tabs on me from a distance.

Once, I went on a date to a guy’s house. When I got there, I found out he had gonorrhea. He still wanted to have sex and he didn’t even want to use a condom! The idea turned him on. Maybe he hoped that it would turn me on too, but I left. If I had known beforehand that he had an STI, I would never have gone to his place for sex.

Condoms

I always plan to have sex with a condom, but it doesn’t always work out that way. In the heat of the moment it is sometimes forgotten. It might be naive, but it still happens anyways. A while back, I dated a guy who is undetectable: he has HIV but is being treated successfully and he can’t transmit it anymore. I knew that so I wasn’t worried and we had sex without a condom.

In the rush to get to a date, I don’t always grab a condom to take with me. But mostly I do manage to be strict and then I want a condom to be used no matter what. If the other guy doesn’t want to, well too bad for him.

Sex or no sex

It used to be a problem for me. When I was younger and just became sexually active, I was pretty insecure in bed. I used to get nervous about everything and found it difficult to say what I did and did not like, and to insist on wearing a condom. I attracted guys who were very dominant tops, while I am not necessarily a bottom. Sometimes, I just let it happen anyways.

But now I’m more confident. I am clearer about what I want and where my boundaries lie. The worst that can happen is that you are turned down, but so be it. I wouldn’t lose sleep over it anymore.”

Editor’s note

Men to Men regularly interviews men about how they protect themselves against HIV and STIs as well as their experiences with sex. We believe it is important for people to be well-informed and are able to make informed decisions on how to protect themselves. We hope that the variety of personal stories of people’s experiences help them with this. They do not necessarily reflect Men to Men’s standpoint. This story was published on Winq.nl.

We used a stock photo for this story as Sebastiaan wished to remain anonymous.

Stock photo: 123rf.com

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