Stefan has sex with married heterosexual men as his drag alter ego

'When he's with his wife, he actually wants to be with me'

Stefan has sex with married heterosexual men as a drag queen. It makes him feel more confident and gives him the attention he craves, but how does he deal with safe sex?

“I first came into contact with drag five years ago,” says Stefan. “I was told that I had a feminine face and that I would be beautiful in drag.” Stefan decided to give it a try and immediately got attention from straight men. “Since then, I've mainly dated men like that. Especially married Moroccan men.” They often want to know everything about Stefan, but want to remain as anonymous as possible themselves. “During such a date, I dress as a woman and behave like one. I think they have sex with me to escape their reality.”

Stefan lived with a man for four years without ever meeting his family. “He didn't dare to come out as gay. When my in-laws came to visit, I had to leave, and my things were hidden. As if I didn't exist.” During sex, Stefan usually dressed as a woman. “The times I had sex with him without dressing up first can be counted on one hand. Now he has a girlfriend.”

Condoms and STI testing

Nowadays, Stefan no longer has sex without dressing up as a woman. “As my other character, I am a completely different person. I am more confident, it doesn't even feel like I'm acting. I feel more comfortable in my own skin.” He meets his partners, who do not have sex with other men unless they dress up as women, through internet forums. “They are men who are looking for someone to have anal sex with, or because they have heard that men are better at giving blowjobs than women. I am now in contact with a man who has a wife and children. He is completely stuck in his marriage and can let go of everything with me. We often have bareback sex without a condom, under the influence of drugs.”

Although Stefan sometimes suggests using condoms, his partners are not very interested. “I always have condoms ready, but they never use them. They say they want to feel me properly, or get me pregnant.” Stefan himself gets tested every three months at the GGD, but he often fails to convince his partners to do the same. “In fact, one man said to me: if you have an STI, I know where to find you.” Nevertheless, Stefan tries to motivate his partners to get tested whenever possible. “I told a few men that they can get tested and treated for free at the GGD if they say they do it ‘with girls like me’. A few of them dared to go to the GGD.”

Bad experiences

In addition to risks in the area of sexual health, Stefan also experiences other unpleasant things. "I am often insulted. During sex it's fun, but afterwards they feel guilty and regretful. I know I'm not strong enough if it comes to a fight. I always carry pepper spray with me to protect myself. Fortunately, I've never had to use it.“ Stefan knows other guys who also dress up as women and then have sex with straight men. They share their experiences and warn each other when someone has a bad experience. ”Conversely, men also tip each other off about ‘girls’ and pass on contacts to each other."

There is one man Stefan dates more often and for longer periods of time. “Then I spend a day and a half with him as a woman. With a wig on my head and full makeup, making me look sexy to him. He sits in the living room watching soccer while I'm in the kitchen cooking. I do it out of love, because I have feelings for him.” Still, Stefan knows that the chance of a relationship is very small. “But we text each other all day long. He says he can't stop thinking about me. When he's with his wife, he actually wants to be with me.”

Editor's note

Man tot Man regularly interviews men about how they protect themselves against HIV and STIs and their sexual experiences. We believe it is important that people are well informed and can think carefully about how they want to protect themselves. We hope that the various personal stories contribute to this. They do not necessarily represent the views of Man tot Man.

Because Stefan wishes to remain anonymous, we have included a stock photo with his story.

Text: Arjan van Bijnen

Stock photo: 123rf.com

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