Ivo (36) is active in the fetish scene

'For me, sex is one big spectacle with outfits and accessories.'

“I lived like a monk until I was 26; I had two long-term relationships, and that was cute but not much else. I wasn’t really into cruising because I really very busy with school. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer. When I moved to Amsterdam, I created a profile on a dating site and you could fill in which fetishes you were into. That got me thinking: when I was younger I got up to stuff that, when I think of it now, already showed my inclination towards fetishism.

I started working at a gay bar in Amsterdam and dated more. At that time, I came into contact with [fetish photographer - ed. note] René Zuiderveld. He wanted to photograph me, which was really exciting. He arranged for another guy to be there to tie me up in ropes. I didn’t expect that I’d like it that much, but I took to it right away. That same guy at the shoot became my boyfriend and I spent 18 months with him in what verged on a master/slave relationship. He had me try a bunch of new things and that helped me find out what turned me on and what didn’t.

Standard safe sex

My partner only practiced safe sex. I met a lot of people through him and they all practiced safe sex as well. So in that period when I went totally wild - at least, that is how some people see it, but not me – I was in a network of guys who all practiced safe sex. A condom was just part of the bargain, and when the ‘condom moment’ came, one was brought out and put on and then you continued.

I found out there was more resistance to wearing a condom on the fetish scene. Sometimes I would fuck without a condom with people who were undetectable, if I knew and trusted them. Some guys said ‘yeah, but I’m HIV negative!’, but how can you be 100% sure? When was he tested for the last time and what has happened in the meantime? I make strict choices.

Finding a fling takes a lot of effort

I’ve now started taking PrEP. I am really glad I can protect myself from getting HIV with this method. I know I can still get other STIs, but I haven’t had one in the past 6 years. Before I started taking PrEP, every time I had sex without a condom, it felt very different and I thought: ‘this is how it is supposed to be’. If you can leave out the ‘condom moment’, things just happen naturally instead of you having to make a conscious decision. Sex is one big spectacle, with outfits and accessories and I enjoy it 100 times more without a condom.

Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to find a new fling who completely fits the profile in sexual terms. I find matches on Scruff and Recon sometimes, but for me going out is the best way to find guys who have the same fetishes as I do, especially during fetish events in London, Antwerp or Berlin.

Only fetish sex

On occasion I’ll meet guys who don’t have any experience with fetishes, but who are very curious. Their pubescent excitement and arousal is seriously cute. I worked in a fetish shop for a while, where I was able to buy lots of gear at a discount. I’ll loan stuff out to a starting fetishist once in a while. It’s kind of like my way of giving back to the community, haha.

Fetishism is now a fixed part of my sex life. I can go without but only if I have real feelings for that person. If I fell in love with someone who wasn’t really into sex with a bit of a rough side, I could probably live with it. But not for temporary flings.”

Editor’s note

Men to Men regularly interviews men about how they protect themselves against HIV and STIs as well as their experiences with sex. We believe it is important for people to be well-informed and are able to make informed decisions on how to protect themselves. We hope that the variety of personal stories of people’s experiences help them with this. They do not necessarily reflect Men to Men’s standpoint. This story was published on Winq.nl.

We used a stock photo for this story as Ivo wished to remain anonymous.

Text: Martijn Tulp
Stock photo: 123rf.com

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